When you’re used to walking around a party with a glass of something “relaxing” in your hand, it’s hard to imagine a party without it.

Once you start partying with Perrier, you’ll start noticing you’re not the only one!  A surprising number of people slip themselves a non-spiked evening and have a great time, while not mentioning a word about it.

Point: Lots of folks are sober. You just might not have noticed them before now.

The challenge might be that your friends are likely to have the same habits you’ve always had. The key to any type of recovery or life change is to have a support system that truly supports.

Point: Ask your friends to support you in not drinking alcohol. Ask them not to offer it to you or to make a big deal out it, such as announcing it or teasing you.  And consider finding some sober friends.

Ask yourself why you’re attending the party. Did you just accept the invitation without thinking or do you truly want to be there? Notice that if you think you have to get plastered just to tolerate being there, it might be that you didn’t really want to be there in the first place!

If you want to be there, make connections that feel really healthy and positive.  Look for opportunities for authentic conversation.

If you don’t want to be there, let yourself go somewhere you really want to be.

Point: It’s your life. Make sure you’re doing things for your own reason.

One way to notice what you truly want, in your new life of sobriety and clear thinking, is to take a deep breath. Don’t rush yourself. Just breath and look around and notice what you feel, what you want, what you don’t want, and what stories are running in your head.

The party atmosphere really changes when you’re completely present in your own shoes, doesn’t it?

“Stop it!” the voice says, “Just stop it!”

If it were that easy I would have already done it.

I do it for a reason.

I’m trying to feel better. I’m trying NOT to feel. I’m trying to disappear into some kind of earthly pleasure just for a minute. Maybe forever.

There are a zillion theories about why people do “destructive” things like drugs, alcohol, overeating, obsessive gaming or porn, even cutting. It appears we hate ourselves, but do we really?

What fuels this passionate self-destruction? What motivates this seemingly illogically active sleep walking? Theoretically, a lot of societal changes, dietary changes, chemical imbalances and less-than-ideal families have made this mess. And true as this may be, I want to know WHAT the hell is happening to me right NOW!

In the moment when I’m abusing myself, I am trying to make something happen. I am in some way caring for myself, grabbing for relief from whatever is pushing up the angst gauge. When I get to the point of naming it, I am more terrified than I ever knew.

I am terrified in ways that defy words and logic and maybe sanity. I am deeply embarrassed that I am standing naked, showing my worst for all to see.

I CAN’T be this naked. I CAN’T be seen like this by you or me or anyone. I MUST escape, I must numb, I must……

Here’s the heart of the dilemma and the soul of the solution. I am trying to produce a sense of safety, I am trying to reduce pain and I desperately want to preserve my life, my life force, some shred of hope (and maybe even bucketfuls of hope!)

The solution lives at the very center of the crossroads, at the heart of the matter that is so damned uncomfortable. And until I am willing to stand there in it, look at it for what it is, breath once or twice or a hundred times and maybe even cry, I don’t stand a chance to change.

Change requires consciousness. Without engaging in my life fully, even amidst the horrifying discomfort and defeating memories, I am not equipped to move on. Consciousness is willingness to be present here and now, regardless of how much I think I want to avoid all the shame and guilt and confusion that comes up with being fully HERE noticing my story.

An essential element of healing is the observation and dissolving of fear. This is the very meaning of walking THROUGH the fire. Welcome the heat, welcome the burning away, empower your immune system, stand in front of the mirror (and those who act as mirrors in your life) with willingness to be fully transparent, fully seen. Welcome your very life force to rise out of the ashes and start again.  Embrace that everything you have done or not done has been for good reason and this next new thing is even more-so for a profoundly good reason.

The path of authentic joy and inner freedom is not for those who must avoid, at all costs, the challenging terrain of the profoundly vulnerable present moment. It is for those who passionately remember their desire to live wide awake in this world, no matter what, and to serve wherever their heart calls them.

“Every day do something that scares you.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

Healing through Punishment is an Oxymoron. Trying to make life better by hurting ourselves sounds crazy, but it’s the reality of what many of us are busy doing.

I have been trying to whip myself into shape forever. If only I work harder, go hungry, sleep less, feel badly for my mistakes, keep myself away from my cravings (and then go nuts on my cravings), tell myself I should have been better ― in some way better, then maybe I can move out of this agonizing trap that seems to be custom tailored for me.

Everybody else, almost, seems to be doing the same thing. Self-criticism (with breaks for defensiveness) passes for friendly conversation. Ick.

Alcohol passes for refreshment. Oxycontin passes for having a back that feels good. Ambien passes for normal sleep. Pot passes for an herb which translates to health food.

WHAT are we doing to ourselves? Why are we trying so hard to drown out the feelings in our guts, the voices in our head, the voices at the other side of the table, the pain, the fear, the worry?

Even in an age of raw honesty (or should we call it ragged bluntness) and popularized positivity, we the self-esteem-building-can-do-people are haunted by the messages live-streamed from our very cores.  “Who cares if it hurts me!” “Careful ― don’t embarrass yourself,”  “I can’t believe I did that again!  Shit!”  “I feel so awkward and surely look so dumpy,”  “I’m a failure,” “That was SO stupid!” Ouch. Ouch.  Ouch.

If self-abuse hurts this much, it seems I’d stop doing it, doesn’t it?

The promise of punishment is that it will correct the wrong-doer, that it will make us better.  Regardless of what we believe about criminal justice or injustice, most of us are not punishing criminal acts but are punishing ourselves……. for what? We haven’t maimed, killed, tortured or maligned anyone. (Besides the most precious parts of ourselves!)

So, if we haven’t committed a crime, why are we seeking and inflicting punishment?

Our collective doctrine, handed down from generation to generation through consistent, continuous replication, is that we must work tirelessly, pray (or at least hope) ardently, let nothing drop until we are purely perfectly good, organized, well-spoken, financially secure, attractive (read slender, fit, youthful, radiant 24/7), well respected (even famous), and completely relaxed and confident while keeping it all in precise balance. Oh, yes, and no impure thoughts. There’s that.

Tell me you don’t have this in you and I’ll throw you some of my most ragged bluntness.

We’ve got it, Baby. We’ve all got it to one level or another. Some of us, having been hauling buckets of gunk out of the cellar for a long time, are breathing deeper and easier now, but no one I’ve ever met has escaped this, this, what shall we call it? This inheritance.

Have you ever inherited a piece of furniture (or a stuffed water buffalo head like my brother-in-law did) that you really didn’t like or want or care to ever see again? Some of us have actually kept those ill-fitting gifts, obligated to carry forward some kind of legacy we can’t even explain.

That’s it, isn’t it? This self-punishment game (with goals unattainable through it) is that very inheritance we’ve received, protected and even passed on. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

So how to change this?

The self-empowerment game is entirely different, based on a whole different set of currency. We must redefine the dance we want to be groovin’ to and get on with a different way of living. We must or nothing will change.